Debunking Common Misconceptions about Mediation and Why Mediators Can Help Move the Needle on Conflict
Have you ever found yourself in a conflict that seemed impossible to resolve? You may have tried your best to resolve the issue, but you feel like you’re going around in circles or stuck. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many people believe that they can resolve conflicts on their own simply by talking things out. Alternatively, they think that since they’ve already tried negotiating with the other side that having outside help will not make a difference. Talking things out definitely can help many times. However, there are several reasons why a neutral third party, like a mediator, can be invaluable in these situations.
1. Mediators are conflict resolution experts.
Certified or trained mediators have learned skills to identify when conflicts can be settled and how to move participants toward a resolution.
2. Mediators can bridge communication gaps.
Sometimes when you speak, you may think that you are being clear. However, other side does not understand what you are saying, and you do not know another way to say what you are saying. You may not even realize that the other side does not understand you because you are in the thick of it. Mediation is not simply knowing how to speak or say words. It is also about how to facilitate communication to resolve conflict. Just because you know how to pronounce words does not mean you can speak in full sentences or in another language.
3. Sometimes the other side cannot or will not listen to you but will to a mediator.
Sometimes, even if you are being clear, the other side to a dispute simply cannot or will not hear what you are saying because you can be viewed as a threat, the other person is prejudiced, or they simply do not like you. When people are in fight-or-flight mode because they view you as a threat, they will not listen to what you have to say. However, they will listen to the mediator because the mediator is not viewed as a threat. If the other side is prejudiced against you or does not like you, they might not take in anything that you say, no matter the logic or evidence.
4. Mediators can help parties hear themselves, so they realize how they are thinking about the conflict and reflect on how they have been behaving.
Mediation can help you realize something sounded better in your head after you hear yourself say something aloud or what the mediators reframed about what you said. Sometimes parties hear themselves and their positions and realize how illogical or embarrassing it sounds in front of a third party (a mediator). However, they often don’t make this realization without a mediator present. As a result, once they really hear themselves, they shift their positions as their mindset shifts. For the same reason, if someone else is in the room, parties who are taking advantage of the other can soften their position when a judge orders people to mediation who expects parties to make an effort to resolve their case without a judgment or when they know that now there is a witness to bad behavior (fear of social judgment), even if though what’s said in mediation is confidential and cannot be used in court.
5. Mediators help you say what you would have wanted to say when emotions run high.
In intense conflict, emotions can get in the way. Your brain might be hijacked when emotions run high to make it hard to respond tactfully instead of reactively. Even if you are normally a strong communicator, it can be hard to focus on the substance of the dispute when tensions run high, and emotions are involved. It’s like surgeons trying to do surgery on themselves. Surgeons might be able to do first-aid on themselves but not surgery. Similarly, for lower-level conflict, that might be possible for parties to resolve their own conflicts. However, it is very difficult with higher levels of conflict. Mediators can help parties communicate in the way they would have emotions had not gotten in the way.
6. Mediation can facilitate creative problem solving.
Sometimes parties are simply stuck and cannot think of another way to do things. A mediator can help get the creative juices going to empower participants to think of things in a different way or generate new ideas to move beyond the impasse.
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